sunshine and the 20k pit of despair

Spring has this really odd way of seeming slow-coming and being sneaky at the same time. The almost oppressive dreariness has made winter seem extra long in Berlin - little sunlight, brown trees, brown streets, brown everywhere, lots of rain.....kind of lends itself to a wintery despair. Right when I was about to just throw caution to the wind and ditch my heavy winter coat (which is now missing several buttons) no matter how freezing it is, spring arrived in all its glory. mmmmm sunshine. crocuses and leaves starting to come out. Perfectly blue skies, even in Berlin. Amazing what these gifts do for wintery despair.

So needless to say, I'm glad spring is here. The past month or so has been crazy busy and completely chill at the same time. Some weeks of intense work and lots of visitors, and some weeks of complete unscheduled "freedom."

Some highlights: Spring Break - having Michelle here, along with the rest of the Bradley gang. It was weird to have two worlds kind of colliding - but really neat to show them what life has been like for the past 7 months. It was so good to catch up with Michelle, talk about what we've been learning and still laugh at the same ridiculous things we always have....

Another very important highlight - the meeting of Michelle and Zack. I was so happy it worked out for Zack to come visit during Michelle's last few days here, and naturally it was very important to get the best friend "stamp of approval" :) I was braced for embarrassing stories to be shared, and they were, but I guess I endured the fire....and approval was given, of course!

Which all leads up to quite possibly the most important highlight of all - Mom and Dad do Berlin! They arrived Friday morning and left this morning at 7am. Zack got to come up while they were here and we made some *very important* introductions. We ran them ragged, doing crazy things like 3.5 hour walking tours and walking around palace gardens in the sunshine. They also gave him lovely insight to my disposition as a child - tree climbing tendencies and the like. Well, I guess it had to come out sometime.

Sunday, Dan, Zack and I ran the Berlin Half-Marathon! Dan was super-fast and has been a training hardcore, so naturally we didn't even start with him. Zack and I started waaaaay too far in the back though - we were passing people for most of the race (Not saying that we're really all that fast, but with 21,000 people running we were faster than quite a few). Around 20k, I slipped into the pit of despair because I was tired and my legs just really didn't want to move anymore. Zack was great and didn't leave me - even though I slowed us down quite a bit :-/ Every time we turned a corner I thought we were going to be close to the finish, but it was just another long stretch. I think I've lost all of my mental toughness from my racing days - I used to be able to push through the pain, but now it is just so easy to give in and fall into the pit of despair (especially after 20k). Post-race I felt mostly fine - making me think I could've gone faster and wondering what my problem was during that ridiculous last couple kilos. All in all though, I'm glad we did the race - it was really fun to run with Zack, and I'm hoping we can do more in the future - maybe even a full marathon one of these days! (I know I sound crazy for saying that after slipping into despair in a half!)

Got me thinking about how it is easy to slip into pits of despair just in life - to stop trusting God and in the moment, lose sight of that "finish line." To think I just can't make it - I'm too tired, too weak, I'm going to have to give up and give in to whatever temptation is before me. And it is all totally a lie - once I'm out of the situation or the storm has passed I realize how the whole thing wouldn't have seemed nearly as destitute if I had realized just how big and in control God is. Why do I doubt His wisdom, why do I second guess that He knows what he's doing with my life? Why do I forget that He loves me?

So like I look forward to the next race where I'll be faced with the possibility of slipping into despair once again, and hope to overcome it the next time - I want to be able to trust God in the future pits of despair of life - no matter how shallow or deep they are.